I'm watching The Mandalorian and I have to ask: How bad do you have to fuck up in Star Wars world to be a wicker farmer on a planet filled with orcs?

Like, damn dudes... everyone else has robots and space ships and you're hiding from orcs.

Pouring Red Bull and Pop Rocks into an anthill to force them to evolve into something that can kick my ass.

So The Mandalorian is "Lone Wolf and Cub" if Ogami was an idiot?

Star Wars World: I just jammed a soldering iron into this thing and sparks shot out, it's fixed.

Regular World: I just jammed a soldering iron into this thing and sparks shot out, now I have to buy a new PlayStation.

Santa only likes cookies because he thinks they are elf meat.

The president has been kidnapped by ninjas.

Are you in a good enough headspace to rescue the president?

Tennis is just "no, you hang up first" but with a ball.

We are not currently flooded with "Santa Baby" parodies called "Yoda Baby" and I am just going to enjoy this time.

Someone is going to write a book called "How I Harnessed the Baby Yoda Within and Learned to Adult" and make a lot of money.

when you get sentenced for a problematic take they send you to yikers island

Instead of, β€œI’ve been having some sexual thoughts about you that I’d like to share over text if you’d enjoy that”

Try, "I've been thinking about The Big Bad Beetleborgs a lot lately, have you? Would you like to discuss the most interesting take on Americanized Sentai shows?"

I think I'm at the point where the only criticism I want to hear about movies is if the sound mix is good or not and if I need to adjust white balance/contrast if I watch it at home.

I don't care about themes or interiority at this point. I just want to not fuss with menus.

Filling my body with powerful toxins to stunt on the spider in the laundry room.

My friends will never send me a preamble asking if I'm "in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt" because:

A. I'm their friend.

B. My friends know even my enemies can't hurt me.

We all made fun of the XFL but it produced more Super Bowl winners per capita than the NFL.

Me: Calmly opening a roll of duct tape.

My horrible idiot dog: Clearly that is a treat for me if I bark enough.

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash.

Now they're gone and so is Big Bad Beetleborgs and I feel like we don't talk about that last one enough.

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