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If you were really a "cyberpunk" then you would have handled me jamming an HDMI cable into your brain stem a bit better, Phil.

Priests occasionally bless oceans, just to keep the sharkula population in check.

You, a idiot: Wrestling is stupid because it's fake.

Me, an genius: Wrestling rules because Steve Harvey just accidently bought a major promotion while purchasing the classic rock concert TV channel.

New support level on my Patreon: For $8/mo I'll write your name on a papier-mâché skull and send it to a celebrity (my choice) with no explanation or return address.

Real nice portal you got there. It'd be a real shame is something were to... emerge from it.

High dive is a garbage event.

Gravity and water are doing all the work.

The evil murder clown who represents the banal horror of idealizing mid 20th century small town American values is now problematic.

Cancel them, post haste.

Princess Cruise Lines regrets to inform you that the ship your parents were on encountered a kraken and was made "Chicago style".

Email from HR: Join our new Health and Wellness program for a chance to win a new iPod Touch!

Another email from HR: Here is a list of food trucks coming by today. One will spray 8,000 calories of green chili queso directly into your mouth for $6.

Everyone out there saying "I'm baby" and I'm just trudging on saying "I'm Frankenstein".

The year is 2031. The most popular show in the nation is called "Daddy?", where a parade of objects, animals, and people are moved across a stage on a conveyor belt as the audience votes on the official "Daddy?" app.

Anything judged "Not Daddy" is destroyed by a hydraulic press.

If you slip the blender jockey $5 they'll let you into the back room to see the jamba they juice, but from that point you're on your own.

Deadly Premonition 2 is official.

If you never played the first one: Imagine an open world Twin Peaks game but the town and people are weird.

Using a pack of frozen hotdogs, a length of PVC piping, and a tank of compressed air to build something the police reports will refer to as a "redneck railgun".

I don't care how many prayer warriors your podcast sics on me: I will not stop talking shit about the mole people (AKA Tunnel Incels or "Tun-cels").

Ah, the famous La Brea Memorial Pool For Prehistoric Fuckups:

Every time I come to LA I'm forced to accept that people live here by choice and not due to some strange warlock hex or mummy potion.

"We should simply cut the Spider-Man in half. Sony can do a movie with their half and Disney can do seven more with theirs," suggests anonymous Hollywood insider with powerful robotic tentacles.

Milk is cow nectar and nothing can change that for you now.

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[social media] without the [social skills]