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Converting my useless fiat currency into powerful mummy amulets.

There are two dogs inside me.

My doctor is saying that is what is causing the organ failure.

Making jerky out of increasingly exotic, and disturbing, meats until the Secret Service finally stops me.

Since Muppets have to be repaired they are technically Frankensteins.

My new crockpot can sense fear and has begun to hunt my older appliances.

Had a dark moment of self reflection about how I spend my free time on stream last night while my idiot friend had a giggle: twitch.tv/probgoblin/v/4903372

What does it mean if you sneeze and there's a little bit of bone in it?

That's good right?

I don't have enough PBS supporter tote bags to get an opinion on Sesame Street's HBO deal.

Pikachu has one hundred percent killed someone with a pacemaker trying to get its belly scratched.

Found a serious bug in Destiny 2:
If you work on completing two catalysts that require using a sniper rifle in a row your title changes to "Coward of the Galaxy" and Shaxx keeps asking if you are "enjoying the shame tube for baby asses?"

Hate it when one of my enemies hits me on the head with a giant wooden mallet and my legs and torso fold up like an accordion and I spend the rest of the day making horrible sounds as I walk around.

I may be tarred and feathered for my beliefs, but that just makes it easier for me to pretend I'm a mighty falcon and threaten cats and small sheep.

For $12,000,000 there are plenty of artists who would have let actual chimps loose in parliament and just taken pictures.

It's bullshit that the 90s never gave us a chip flavor called CrazySexyCoolRanch.

You, a fool and mendicant: You can't compare apples and oranges.

Me, a beacon of reason and stability: I will wrap both in styrofoam to make sabot rounds for my potato gun and use them to destroy your car if you ever speak to me again.

I'm not defined by my failures.

I'm defined by a page in a book written by a wizard and one day I will burn his horrible tower to the ground!

The Mommy blogs have all started talking about drums beating in the darkness and how to raise an orc army.

Directing lighting into a stitched together corpse isn't tampering in the domain of God. It's tampering in the domain of Zeus, and I think we can get away with that.

If "woke" "culture" is so accepting then why didn't anyone help me after a group of delinquents killed my son in a dirt bike accident? Where were "Bernie Bros" when I made a deal with an old woman to get my revenge? Why did no one help me "cancel" the terrible thing we summoned?

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[social media] without the [social skills]