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I don't know what weapons the war between Kranch and Cool Ranch will be fought with, but I know the war after that will be fought with sticks and stones.

Trying to explain how I set the moon on fire without making it seem like it's my fault.

Uh oh... I cheesed off my neighbor, the orb from Phantasm, with my anti-orb from Phantasm bumper sticker.

Repeatedly being stuck by lighting for defying God and Target's return policy.

Tired of people looking down on you?

Tired of feeling helpless and scared all the time?

Yeah, I don't what we can do for that but you can donate to help the Phoenix Children's Hospital here.

No, Mister Bond... I expect you to be cancelled.

If my opponent leaked my nudes I would simply solidify the "fucked up gross body" lobby behind me and handily win the election.

Man, imagine how much you could have made if you registered before the announcement...

Tweeting out absolute dog shit and blaming the algorithm for my profound sense of emptiness.

The IRS is asking a whole lot of questions about my death cult, which seems very disrespectful of our 503c3 status.

Okay, but by mass that's only like one human cannibal, which would be a way cooler headline.

Aladdin to Genie: You're free.

Aladdin to the two clearly sentient animals who hang out with him, one of which is capable of speech: If you ever think of leaving I will set you on fire.

You can turn any Waffle House into a Waffle Home just by showering there.

Thanksgiving candy is just repacked Halloween candy that's been injected with artificial turkey flavoring.

It's Open Enrollment season so you know what that means!

I don't. I have no idea what any of these plans are and in the event of a major medical emergency I'm going to "Ol' Yeller" myself in a Safeway since I think that's covered?

Fill a water balloon with quality salsa to make your next game day party truly memorable.

New RoboCop reboot but they rebuild Murphy into a clown. It's called BoboCop and you can't unread this.

Weird how they call this a "vanity press" when all it did was further mangle my disgusting face.

Trying to plead this felony arson charge down to misdemeanor "Crime Sparkles".

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[social media] without the [social skills]