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Me: I made that lasagna recipe you wanted but I had to find some efficiencies since it took longer than I thought. I crumbled the noodles so they cooked faster and I couldn't find the mozzarella so I used the rest of that mexiblend.

My wife: *Olympic grade screaming*

Thanksgiving is spookier than Halloween because it's an entire day focused around a bird carcass.

Just got a Gmail that my "Cursed Meat Doll Special Founders Edition" has shipped, so I know what I'm doing this weekend!

(Cowering in fear.)

Thinking about how there are grains that aren't whole or ancient and getting incredibly pissed off...

Taking my cybertruck to an abandoned Bitcoin mine.


VR is stupid. I'm not going to put on a nerd helmet that prevents me from seeing where my gaming tequila is.

My legal defense is to inject myself with bull hormones and claim that I am bound only by MINOTAUR LAW.

⚠️Warning: Wrestling Joke⚠️

Ah, just got my fresh classic wrestling DVDs from Jim Cornette!

Now to take a scalding hot sip of coffee and see what's happening with the NWA...

"I said a little salami," I snarl at the mighty leopard trying trying to pull me and my precious lunch sandwich into a tree.

Posting my Amazon wishlist but it's just bullet presses and something called "Garth Woodman's D-Lux Bone Laminator".

Haunted Baby Yoda Furby for sale, never cleaned.

It is a bank holiday so I am taking all those pens on a chain to the beach.

Am I sorry I slipped your wedding DJ $20 to play Judas Priest's "Painkiller" instead of "Here Comes the Bride"?


Will I apologise for slipping your wedding DJ $20 to play Judas Priest's "Painkiller" instead of "Here Comes the Bride"?

Also no.

I hate being haunted by a British ghost. I hate just sitting alone and seeing a spectral head rise out of the table and call me "guv'na".

Two weeks until Black Friday. Time to get your armored Slanket™ out of storage and face to savings.

Reminder for the holidays:

1. You don't have to see bullshit family members if you don't want to.

2. Make it very clear to your in-laws
that your promise to "put them down like a lame racehorse" should they show up uninvited isn't idle.

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[social media] without the [social skills]