Show more

When bae catches you unpickling all the preserves.

When bae catches you making an unboxing video of your nemesis and blowing up on darkweb YouTube.

When bae catches you putting the TiVo in the microwave to "download the radiation show".

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming desire to up my crate game.

I've been trying to buy a new graphics card for a year and stuff like this isn't making it any easier...

The one where Rachel slowly converts Central Perk into a hive for a race of terrible wasp/pig hybids.

Joey eats his own legs after misreading an article in GQ.

The one where Monica vows to build a "bridge of human suffering" after a bad hair day.

Ross is filled with confetti and thrown into a wood chipper.

The one where Joey accidently sells his skin. Chandler screams, "Can you be any more flayed," as Joey ruins his recliner.

Phoebe starts carrying a giant club everywhere.

We're ten days into January, so you know what that means: by now all the mall Santas have been hunted down and destroyed after going feral.

Ladies, people make mistakes.

And if an ex is willing to drive sixteen hours across international borders to get you bagels as a token of apology and come to your doorstep?

You need to shoot that man.

Because that is some weird shit and you don't want to get Buffalo Bill'd.

This is not the flex you think it is, Verge internet magazine.

If the walls only bleed and scream in the voices of a thousand- nay, ten thousand damned souls while you're watching?

Buddy, that ghost is just attention hungry. It's the ones who do that when no one is watching that are dedicated to their craft.

I liked this whole U.S./Iran thing better when Abbott and Costello did it, because
1) old timey black and white comedies have a certain charm
2) fewer dead civilians

This would make her the only person to have done a theme for both a James Bond and an Austin Powers film.

I love how whenever a candidate tries to come off as cool and relatable it just feels like they skinned an intern and are wearing their unpaid pelt around the office as they misquote lyrics from popular 90s songs.

Buying a Space-X pod to launch Tony Hawk at the Hale-Bopp comet so he can do a kickflip over it and release the souls trapped inside.

I googled "Goat Cannon" on Amazon and now everyone wants to arrest me.

The sky burns as feathers and teeth rain from the war above. The sun flickers and dims, bleeds across the firmament. As the final night falls, you know you aren't getting that waffle cone...

The tide slows and stops. Something huge moves under the clotting water, countless eyes open for the first time in aeons and you hear the roar of blood in your ears and something ancient in your mind. Your final revelation is that you aren't getting that waffle cone...

Show more

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!