i was teleported here by an angry wizard for having too much sex
[goldilocks drinking a cup of bees]
“...and this is too spicy
[long drag on a bubble pipe] *splutters* darling i only drink "wife beater" beer because *choking on bubble mixture* i am better than all the wine moms
[being kicked in the tummy by the gang i paid to beat the shit out of me] i am a piece of shit *groans* that's how constipated i am
a tired pigeon lands on your window sill. he lights two cigarettes in his beak and offers one to you - -
“you’re not going to like this...
#FF
on monday follow @Foambrero@twitter.com for calibre chatty fun, on tuesday add @OctopusCavemann@twitter.com a top notch gentleman, on humpday follow @KissabiX@twitter.com to learn how not to sex, on thursday get @DinosaurBoogers@twitter.com to have an online friend, on friday follow @toilethospital@twitter.com 4 pee stain in the brain
he died doing what he loved--siphoning gas from motor bike gang bangers
jailer: you get one phone call
me: haha, seriously how much free data do i get in here (takes a selfie)?
DOCTOR: you seemed alarmed on the phone
ME: [opening cardboard box] I AM LAYING EGGS DOC!
DOCTOR: *sighs* they aren't eggs, you are massively constipated
ME: [trying to hatch one] oh...
[tapping a wine glass until everybody is quiet at handles birthday] ok, does anyone know why this knife didn't cut that?? it really should have cut it huh? am i too drunk to knife?
[bee keeper putting baby bees in tiny diapers so it doesn't go in the honey] we'll call it "honey we're not eating shit" brand honey...ooh papa gonna be so rich my little babies,,,
god invents deer: these majestic antlers will look nice...
deer: what's that behind your back?
god hiding a hunting rifle: ...on my wall,,,,*thunderclap* RUN!
[burning up my pubes with your new hair straightener] uh-oh
it feels like the right time in history to wield a legendary blade and the wrong time to keep putting off this falconry training
*snaps fingers*
6 snapper leap into our row boat
friend: [shocked by the 6th one] how are you doing that?
me: click bait
GENIE: 3 dumplings is only 1 wish
ME: [overjoyed] give me 9 dumplings then!
i put up a fight but my hearts not really in it,,,pretty b*tch can keep her hair clip
a squirt of lemon juice stops both halves of an avocado turning brown, but if you use the avos as ear muffs the sun may turn your hair piss yellow
doctor: [sweating] um a local is highly unusual for gender reassignment surgery
me: [applying thunderbolt mascara] ch-ch-changes
mood: lying facedown in the shower waiting for my ramen to steam
