Taurus: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, which is also your approach to dating.

Aries: You only get one chance at life and what a terrible mess you’re making of it.

Kinda rude that we’re stuck with the same brain until we die

Pisces: Sure, you're trapped on a ghost train, but it's still a great way to see the country.

Aquarius: Every day is a winding road. Your steering wheel is broken. Keep your head down.

Sagittarius: The time has come to join forces with the other signs against the Moon. Be strong and do not waver. Let the blood shed be yours.

Capricorn: You will be assassinated in a Burger King. Don’t forget to wear a shirt.

Scorpio: The blood ritual you performed is irreversible. Time to cut your losses.

Virgo: Two heads are better than one, and if you defrost your freezer you might even fit three.

Libra: You have the all clear to go shopping today. Treat yourself and splurge. Your money won't be good for much longer.

Leo: You will always be a star living in a black hole.

Cancer: Never forget that you are a city—gleaming, complex, modern—and that life is Godzilla rising in the bay.

Gemini: You can never step into the same river twice. You can, however, throw a meatball at a traffic cop. Look, we’re not suggesting it. We’re just saying you have options.

Taurus: The fire of creativity burns in us all. Now cut it out and get a job.

Aries: It’s the same old shit for you this week, but this time it won’t flush.

Gemini: We are not affiliated with the Will Smith movie Gemini Man, which looks pretty bad.

Virgo: A stigmata in the hand is worth not that much.

Taurus: The only thing holding you back from your dreams is you, and the threat of imprisonment.

Leo: This week you will finally stop lying to yourself. Everything after that is a fucking mess.

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